(NEXSTAR) – It’s time to stop treating your romantic relationships like playground equipment.
A dating trend known as “monkey-barring” — named after the popular playground feature — has been making headlines in recent weeks after a relationship expert spoke to Vice about the unhealthy practice.
As she described it, monkey-barring refers to a bad habit whereby one party in a relationship lines up another relationship before breaking up with their current partner. In this way, the unscrupulous party uses their relationships like monkey bars — not quite letting go before grabbing hold of another.
This practice, however, is anything but new. People on social media have shared their experiences with this phenomenon for years, sometimes calling it “monkey branching.”
“I’ve come across the pattern of ‘monkey-barring’ many times,” Devyn Simone, a dating expert and matchmaker, told Nexstar. “Interestingly, the person often doesn’t even realize they were doing it or that they have a pattern until I call it out. They’re often unable to justify it because they don’t even recognize that they do it.”
Serial daters who “monkey-branch” might not even consider their behavior to be cheating or even deceitful if it hasn’t resulted in anything physical, but it’s not not those things, either. They just might not see it that way, partly because they’re addicted to the “dopamine hit” of seeking out someone new.
“While it may feel good to know you already have someone shiny and new lined up, failing to do the work like acknowledging why your current/old relationship isn’t working, what you could have done better as a partner, and discussing it honestly with the other person — [it means] you’re just accumulating a collection unresolved issues,” Simone said. “It’s’ like taking too many souvenirs home from a trip — and not the good ones.”
The reasons that a person might monkey-bar from relationship to relationship are varied, but these people usually share the same “anxious-preoccupied attachment style,” which often stems from fears of abandonment or codependency issues, Simone said.
“In both cases [of abandonment or codependency issues], the behavior is not really about the new person. It is about trying to escape the discomfort of being with yourself,” Simone said.
On a subconscious level, some serial daters might even be setting themselves up for failed relationships (and thus, continued monkey-barring) by quickly settling into a comfortable arrangement with someone new — even if that person isn’t a good match.
“Once they monkey branch they will do it again,” one Reddit user wrote last year, alleging that he kicked out an unfaithful ex who was “in the beginning stages of her monkey branch” and wasn’t ready to leave the relationship.
“It threw her into a tailspin she still hasn’t been able to get over,” he said, even though he believed she might say she’s happy in her more recent “toxic” relationship.
Sooner or later, many monkey-bar daters might realize that flitting from one partner to the next isn’t a fulfilling — or compassionate — way to date. When that happens, Simone said people should be “radically honest” with themselves about why they do what they do. A relationship therapist might also be able to help.
“Ask questions like: Have I ever felt abandoned, and how did I handle it? What is the best moment I have ever had on my own? What do I wish someone would truly appreciate about me?” Simone said. “Reflection like this helps you see whether you are chasing relationships to avoid old wounds rather than because you actually want that person.”
Without therapy or some soul-searching, Simeon said monkey-bar daters are likely to keep gathering emotional baggage while leaving a path of dating destruction in their wakes.
“If they don’t address it at some point they’ll be stuck on a wheel of deeply unfulfilling relationships,” she said.