HONOLULU (KHON2) — It can be hard to admit. Harder still to believe. But for some parents, the signs are there. A shift in your child’s behavior. A string of complaints from other children. Trouble at school.
“Bullying is not a diagnosis,” said Haylin Dennison, LCSW, Executive Director at Spill The Tea Cafe. “But it’s usually a symptom of a larger emotional disturbance that might be going on.”
Across Hawaiʻi and the country, conversations about bullying have grown louder. But in May, a viral video made the topic feel even closer. It showed a group of teenagers from Leilehua High School and Wahiawā Middle School attacking a 21-year-old woman in broad daylight.
The video caused outrage. Four teens were arrested. One girl, 18-year-old Jasmine Keola, said she was pressured to fight.
“I didn’t want to fight her. But I did anyway,” she said. “I’m sorry for what I did. I didn’t mean to do it.”
The moment sparked new questions for families, schools and parents. The biggest one: how do you know if it’s your child?
Here’s what KHON2.com learned from Dennison.
1. Look for emotional struggles first
Bullying is a behavior, not an identity. Children who bully are often struggling emotionally.
“If your child is exhibiting behaviors of bullying,” Dennison said, “it’s usually a symptom of a larger emotional disturbance.”
That disturbance can show up in many ways. Sometimes it looks like aggression. Sometimes it’s a lack of control.
“They might be having a really hard time regulating their emotions,” she said. “A lot of times kids are bullying because they want to feel that social connection, and they’re not getting it.”
That drive for connection doesn’t go away just because the attention is negative.
“There’s still that need for all of us as humans to be connected to one another,” Dennison added.
2. Notice when they seek control or power
Parents may feel confused or ashamed if their child uses cruelty to gain control or status. But Dennison said it’s more common than people think.
She pushed for parents to ask themselves the hard questions.
“Is my child, like, exhibiting like this power and control dynamic?” she said. “Are they being intentionally mean to others? And why is that?”
Understanding the why doesn’t excuse the behavior. But it can help uncover where support is needed.
“Really getting down to the root of why this is happening is very important,” Dennison said.
3. Pay attention to connection, not just behavior
Sometimes, what looks like acting out is a cry for closeness. Dennison said many children who bully are missing an emotional connection.
“It’s easy to say, like, you need to spend more time with your children,” she said. “But I think the quality of the time that you’re spending with your kids is really important.”
Children should know they are heard. They should feel safe enough to talk without fear. Dennison said it’s important that children can answer the tough questions.
“I’m able to talk to my parents without judgment,” she said. “I’m able to say, this person is being mean to me; or I don’t have friends or hey, you know, I’m being challenged with peer pressure right now.”
Dennison said these kinds of talks don’t usually happen on their own.
“So, it’s really up to us as the adults to really create that safe space and ask those open-ended questions without judgment,” she said.
4. Watch for changes in mood or school performance
Dennison said one warning sign is when bullying behavior begins to affect daily life.
“Whenever it’s negatively impacting an important domain of their life,” she said, “it’s important to know when it’s appropriate to bring in professional help.”
Maybe your child is falling behind at school. Maybe they’re suddenly alone at lunch. Maybe they stop talking altogether.
“Maybe they don’t have friends at school. Or maybe, you know, they’re now isolating; and they don’t want to talk to anyone,” she said.
That’s when it’s time to step in.
“When you start to see these kinds of signs, it’s important to get them professional help,” Dennison said.
5. Use therapy and community resources when needed
In Hawaiʻi, there are places that can help. “There’s a lot of great resources for families,” Dennison said. “PACT is one of them. Also, like, we provide family therapy here at Spill The Tea Cafe.”
Still, she said it can take effort to access those services. “There’s a lot of difficulty sometimes getting into mental health,” she said. “So, I would encourage parents to be persistent and consistent.”
If you’re not sure where to start, your child’s primary care provider is one option. So, is your health insurance plan.
“I know like the major insurance companies have those types of platforms where the parents can get educated on these things as well,” Dennison said. “Like Kaiser, AlohaCare, United — you know, the major health care platforms in Hawaiʻi.”
6. The viral video isn’t the whole story, but it’s a wake-up call
The teens in the Wahiawā video are facing serious consequences. Keola ended up being expelled. “I should have let you go,” Keola said in an interview with KHON2. “But ended up doing what I did.”
Her mother, who asked not to be identified, also spoke to the station. “I apologize for my children’s behavior,” she said to KHON2. “And I really, you know, I’m being sincere, and I’m talking from the heart that I am sorry that, you know, my kids did what they did.”
The Department of Education confirmed that the 21-year-old woman in the video has “added challenges”. The other students have been expelled for the rest of the school year. Law enforcement continues to investigate.
While the violence was shocking, Dennison said the patterns underneath are more common than people want to admit.
“One of the most valuable skills that kids need,” she said, “is how to interact with other kids.”
That’s something they can learn. But they need help.
“As parents,” Dennison said, “I think it’s really important for us to not only try to have that secure attachment with our child, but to give them that actual training about what does it actually look like?”
You can click here to learn more about Spill The Tea Cafe. To learn more about PACT, click here.
That training starts at home. And it starts with listening.